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Is your life ruled by love or by fear? Love and fear are opposite emotional attitudes that shape our life in very different ways. The psychoanalyst John McMurray describes the difference like this:
"The fear-determined have no sun in themselves and go about putting out the sun in other people. The love-determined have life in them, abundant life. They are the people who are really alive, of whom it can be said that they possess eternal life as a well within them perpetually."
Life is a lot more beautiful and vivid if it is determined by love and not by fear. I’m sure you can imagine that someone determined completely by love would be a kind of saint. In contrast, most of us ordinary human beings are determined by both forces, love and fear. However, in my experience, even a tiny shift towards love—and away from fear—can bring a lot more Happiness.
Here are 7 tips that you can move towards love and away from fear.
1. Cultivate gratitude
Gratitude makes us feel happier. If you remember to be grateful for the blessings of your life, you start to feel more connected to yourself and others. When you let go of niggles and embrace gratitude instead, love springs up.
2. Reality-test your fear
Sometimes fear can be like a cloud that keeps out the sunlight. Then everything feels huge and oppressive. A simple way to deal with fear is to test its reality. Write down three things that you are afraid of. Then look at each point and ask yourself, “Is this fear really grounded in reality?” I know that when I do this, I often find that my fears are unfounded. It’s like living in a shadow-land, peering into the future and expecting bad things to happen.
3. Take action
Fear is often born out of inaction. For example, if you get a sense that your health is impaired, but you don't check it out with a doctor, you may start to imagine that you are heading for a major health crisis. (I could fill a whole notebook with illnesses I once thought I had - but never actually got!) Once you've been to a doctor and reviewed the problems, the steps towards renewed health may seem much more manageable.
Taking action is the best antidote to fear. Once you start to address the issues one by one, fears shrink and may even disappear.
4. Cultivate friendships
Good friends are important because they teach us to love. It's often much easier to love a good friend than it is to love and forgive our partner. Friends are lasting companions in life. It’s good to talk with them when we feel afraid. They can give us a fresh perspective on what is troubling us.
5. Be generous
In the quote above, John McMurray points out that fear-determined people have no sun in themselves and "go about putting out the sun in other people." Fear makes us narrow-minded and we tend to put down others. Here is how I deal with that: when I notice I'm getting negative, I put a small pebble into one of my pockets. Each time I catch myself using a put-down, I quietly shift the pebble into the other pocket and say to myself kindly, "Well, maybe I can say that differently next time."
6. Practise kindness
Kindness is 'love-in-action'. It’s good to make a habit of it. The trick is to notice what people need. Here is an example: yesterday I was talking to a stall-holder at a farmers' market who fashions wooden spoons. He saw that I was carrying a bag of luscious, fresh corncobs. He said, "Oh, they look nice!" Then he sighed, "Oh well, by the time I've finished selling at my stand they’ll have all gone." I offered to get some for him. It was a small action but it made us both feel good. Try and spot one occasion each day when you can be of help.
7. Open your awareness
Fear tends to make us focus inwards. A way out of is to do the opposite and open your awareness to include everything around you. For example, if you notice anxious thoughts, open you mind and listen to sounds around you. Maybe you can hear birdsong, or traffic noise, or children playing. This has an instant calming effect and fear wanes.
If you follow these 7 tips, you'll move towards more love and less fear in your life. Soon you will notice an upsurge of Happiness and contentment, instead of fear and anxiety.
What is your experience of living with love or with fear? Maybe you could share your special way of inviting love into your life and saying "good-bye" to fear?
你的生活是被爱控制还是被恐惧控制？爱和恐惧是相反的情感态度，用不同的方式形成我们的生活。心理分析学者约翰.麦可姆雷这样形容它们的区别：“恐惧支配者自己的生活中没有阳光，同时也把别人生活中的阳光清除掉。爱支配者拥有生命力，有丰富多彩的生活。他们才是真正活着的人，他们才可以说是拥有永恒的生命，拥有永恒的源泉。
当生活被爱而非恐惧所支配的时候，它会更加美丽生动。我可以确信当你想象一个完全被爱所支配的人会是一个圣徒。相反的，我们大多数普通人都是被爱和恐惧这两种力量所支配。但是，以我的经验来看，即使是趋向爱的一小步——同时远离恐惧——都可以带来许多快乐。
这里有七个技巧帮助你趋向爱而远离恐惧。
1,培养感恩之心
感恩之心让我们感到更快乐。如果你记得生活对你的祝福同时感激万分，你会开始觉得你与自己和他人的联系更加紧密。当你丢弃了小气转而拥抱感激的时候，爱会涌泉而出。
2，测试恐惧的真实性
有时候恐惧像乌云一样阻止了阳光，然后每样东西都感觉变得巨大和难以忍受。一个简单的检验恐惧的方法是测试它的真实性。写下三件你所害怕的事情。然后，看着每一件事问你自己，“这种恐惧现实中真的存在吗？”我知道每次我这样做的时候，我经常发现我的恐惧是毫无理由的，就好像我们生活在阴影笼罩的地方，对未来产生怀疑，同时认为不好事情会发生。
3，采取行动
恐惧通常产生于不作为。举个例子，如果你觉得你身体的健康状况下降了，但是你又不去医生那里检查是否如此，你可能开始想象你正面临着一场健康大危机。（我可以把曾经想到过的疾病写满一整张纸，但实际上它们根本没有发生过。）一旦你去见过了医生，重新审视了那些的问题，重塑健康的步骤看起来会更容易管理。
采取行动是控制恐惧的最好方法。一旦你一个一个解决问题，恐惧会越来越少甚至都消失了。
4，培养友谊
好朋友是很重要的，因为他们教会我们怎样去爱。相比起爱和原谅我们的搭档，爱一个好朋友会更容易些。朋友是我们生活持久的伙伴。当我们害怕时和朋友交谈是很好的，他们会给我们一个崭新的视点来看待正在困扰我们的问题。
5，宽宏大量
在前述引用中，约翰.麦克雷姆指出被恐惧支配者的生活中没有阳光同时“把别人生活中的阳光也清除掉”�？志迨刮颐切男叵涟颐蔷；崛バ呷杵渌�。我是这样处理这个问题的：当我注意到我变得消极的时候，我会在我的一个口袋里放一颗鹅卵石。每次我抓到自己对别人奚落的行为时，我会把这颗鹅卵石放到另一个口袋里，温和的对自己说，“下次，我也许可以用不同的方式来说这件事。”
6，练习友善
友善是行为中的爱。形成友善的习惯很好。它的技巧就是注意别人的需要。举个例子：昨天我在农贸市场和制作和出售木勺的摊主聊天。他看到我拎了一袋新鲜又甘美的玉米棒子，说：“这些真好！”接着叹气道：“唉，等我收摊的时候它们都已经卖完了。”我就拿了一些给他。这只是一件小事，但是让我们两个人都很开心。每天，在我们可以提供帮助的一个场所尝试着提供帮助。
7，打开心怀
恐惧让我们只关注内心。走出恐惧的一个方法是做相反的事情，打开你的心怀，关注围绕的你的一切事情。比如，你注意到焦虑的想法，打开你的心门，听听周围的声音。也许你会听到鸟鸣声，交通嘈杂声，以及小孩玩耍的声音。这些有立即让你镇定的作用，恐惧也就慢慢消退了。
当你采取了上述七点，你会发现你的生活爱越来越多，恐惧越拉越少。不久，你会发现你到了一个幸福和满足的高潮，取代了恐惧和焦虑。
和爱或者恐惧生活在一起，你的经历又是怎样的呢？也许你可以让我们分享你独特的邀请爱进入你的生活而和恐惧说再见的方法？
