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My life was filled with dead-end relationships. Seemed every guy I dated had problems with drugs or alcohol. A little voice inside me always told me my bulimia was no different and was probably what attracted these addicts to my life, but I never listened. It was easier just to leave the relationship than to leave my bulimic lifestyle of 25 years.
I was 41 when I met my husband, Rielly. He is Native American and alcoholism has done incredible damage to his race. Rielly was no exception. When I met Rielly it was like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life. I was so taken by him. He wasn’t my type, and 15 years younger than me, but I had no control. I was so in love with him. I knew the Lord had put a spell on me.
Yet, the first time I saw Rielly drunk, I was horrified. I knew he had had too much to drink and was going to die. But he just laughed at me. The next day I told him I understood why he drank the way he did, because that’s the way I eat. With bulimia, I starve myself, then eat and eat everything in sight. Rielly just laughed at my reasoning.
We got married, even though my eating habit never changed and neither did Rielly’s drinking. One year later I told him it was his drinking or me. He said, “See ya,” and walked out of the door. I divorced him.
From the day he walked out of to the next time we saw each other was 13 months. Those were the worst 13 months of my life. I was in hell. Inside, I knew this was not about his drinking; it was about my eating. I knew if I could beat my eating disorder, he could beat his drinking. But I couldn’t do it and it was easier just to blame this failed relationship on him than to take responsibility.
I was an Administrative Assistant for an insurance company that went under, leaving me unemployed. While I was searching through the newspaper for work, I came across an ad:“Free help for people with bulimia.” Everything happens for a reason. It was the biggest struggle of my life, but I knew it was my only hope. Bulimia is a vicious cycle of starvation, eating then purging. But I could safely eat fruits and salads without having to throw up and I reluctantly listened to my doctor and hid cheese in my salads to break the starvation.
I did it. I broke the cycle. I would eat and not throw up. I knew my Rielly would come back to me... but he didn’t. It was five months later before, out of nowhere, there he was standing right in front of me. I looked at him and said, “Well, are you ready to get help?” He looked me right in the eyes and said, “Yes, I am.” We made a date to talk later that day and I walked away nonchalantly as if I didn’t care. But the moment I was out of his sight, I broke down and bawled. The weight of the world had just been lifted off my shoulders.
I went through alcoholism treatment with Rielly. That was six years ago. It seems like yesterday, yet at the same time it seems like those days never were. Alcohol and bulimia have no part of our lives today.
We may have saved each other, but as far as I can see, Rielly saved me. I couldn’t have overcome my addiction without him.
我这一生真是棘手，总是遭遇极端的麻烦。似乎我约会过的男人要么吸毒、要么酗酒。我心里告诫自己，自己的暴食症也是一样糟糕，也就是因为这个病，才使我招引这些瘾君子。但我从不承认这是事实。我干脆和瘾君子们划清界限，这比摆脱25年的暴食症容易得多。
我41岁时遇到现在的丈夫里利。他是土著印第安人，这个种族遭受着酗酒带来的巨大伤害。里利也不例外。遇到里利后，我有一种前所未有的体会和感觉。我完全被他迷住了。尽管他不是我喜欢的类型，还比我小15岁，但我完全控制不了自己。我深深地爱上了他，我只能说这是上帝给我下的一个魔咒。
然而,第一次见到里利喝醉时,我吓坏了。我觉得他喝得实在太多，可能会死去。他却笑我幼稚。第二天我告诉他我已经知道他为何那么贪杯了——和我贪吃是一样的道理�；剂吮┦持⒁院�，我先是无意进食，然后暴饮暴食，将视线所及之物一律风卷残云般的消灭掉。里利对我的推理只是一笑置之。
尽管我们的生活习惯都没有改观，我依旧暴饮暴食，里利还是酗酒成性，最终我们还是结婚了。一年后，我逼他做出选择：要么选我，要么选酗酒。他说道：“再见吧”，然后就走出了家门。我和他离婚了。
从分手到再次见面是13个月后了，那是我生命中最糟糕的13个月，简直就是炼狱。我心里明白，分手其实是因为我得暴食症，而不是因为他酗酒。我也知道如果我能战胜紊乱的进食习惯，他就可以改掉酗酒的恶习。但我做不到，将感情的失败归咎于他，这可比自己承担责任容易多了。
我之前是一家保险公司的行政助理，后来公司倒闭了，我就失业了。在报纸上寻找工作机会时，偶然看到了一则广告：“为暴食症患者提供免费帮助。”事出必有因。我经历了一生中最大的思想斗争，但我明白这是我唯一的机会了。暴食症是进食紊乱的恶性循环，开始是暴食，然后是排泄。但吃些水果或沙拉却无妨，不会呕吐。于是我迟疑地接受了医生的建议，将奶酪卷在沙拉里吃，以此打破恶性循环。
我成功了！我战胜了暴食症。我能吃东西了，而且吃后不再呕吐了。我深信里利一定会回到我身边的……但他没有。5个月后，他出现在了我的面前。我打量了他一下，问道：“喂，需要帮助吗？”他直视着我的眼睛说道：“是的，我准备好了。”那天我们约好晚些时候再谈一谈，然后我不露声色、冷漠地走开了，装出一副不在乎的样子。淡出他的视线后，我一下子崩溃了，失声喊叫。我终于卸掉了肩头重担！
我和里利一起，肩并肩，终于挺过了酗酒治疗。那是6年前的事了。但往事历历在目、恍如昨日。有时候我又觉得那些事是如此之遥远，好像从来没有发生过。酗酒的恶习和暴食症与我们再也没有任何关系了。
整个过程中，可能是我们相互将对方从怪圈中拯救了出来，但就我看来，是里利救了我。没有他我是无论如何也戒不掉暴食症的。因为爱，我们的信念无比坚定，最终战胜了彼此身上的恶性循环。
