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A professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Robert Feldman has spent most of his career studying the role deception plays in human relationships. His most recent book, The Liar in Your Life: How Lies Work and What They Tell Us About Ourselves, lays out in stark terms just how prevalent lying has become. He talked to TIME about why we all need a dose of honesty.
What are the main findings of your research?
Not only do we lie frequently, but we lie without even thinking about it. People lie while they are getting acquainted an average of three times in a 10-minute period. Participants in my studies actually are not aware that they are lying that much until they watch videos of their interactions.
One of the reasons people get away with so much lying, your research suggests, is that we are all essentially dupes. Why do we believe so many lies?
This is what I call the liar's advantage. We are not very good at detecting deception in other people. When we are trying to detect honesty, we look at the wrong kinds of nonverbal behaviors, and we misinterpret them. The problem is that there is no direct correlation between someone's nonverbal behavior and their honesty. "Shiftiness" could also be the result of being nervous, angry, distracted or sad. Even trained interrogators [aren't] able to detect deception at [high] rates. You might as well flip a coin to determine if someone is being honest.
What's more, a lot of the time, we don't want to detect lies in other people. We are unwilling to put forward the cognitive effort to suspect the veracity of statements, and we aren't motivated to question people when they tell us things we want to hear. When we ask someone, "How are you doing?" and they say, "Fine," we really don't want to know what their aches and pains are. So we take "Fine" at face value.
Do you feel deception is a particularly relevant topic to our society?
We are living in a time and culture in which it's easier to lie than it has been in the past. The message that pervades society is that it's O.K. to lie - you can get away with it. One of the things I found in my research is that when you confront people with their lies, they very rarely display remorse. Lying is not seen as being morally reprehensible in any strong way.
You can make the assumption that because it often makes social interactions go more smoothly, lying is O.K. But there is a cost to even seemingly benign lies. If people are always telling you that you look terrific and you did a great job on that presentation, there's no way to have an accurate understanding of yourself. Lies put a smudge on an interaction, and if it's easy to lie to people in minor ways, it becomes easier to lie in bigger ways.
You say in the book that recent DNA evidence suggests that 10% of people have fathers other than the men they believe conceived them. So is lying pretty widespread in our intimate lives too?
Research shows we lie less to people that we are close to. But when we do, they tend to be the bigger types of lies. And the fallout is greater if the deception is discovered.
You show how lying is a social skill. Does that mean it's part of an evolutionary legacy?
I don't think lying is genetically programmed. We learn to lie. We teach our kids to be effective liars by modeling deceitful behavior.
In your book, you offer a way to cut back on lies. What's the "AHA!" remedy?
AHA! stands for active honesty assessment. We need to be aware of the possibility that people are lying to us, and we need to demand honesty in other people. Otherwise we will get a canned affirmation. At the same time, we have to demand honesty of ourselves. We have to be the kind of people who don't tell white lies. We don't have to be cruel and totally blunt, but we have to convey information honestly. The paradox here is that if you are 100% honest and blunt, you will not be a popular person. Honesty is the best policy. But it's not a perfect policy.
罗伯特·费尔德曼是马萨诸塞大学的一位心理学教授。他学术生涯中的大部分时间都在研究"欺骗"在人与人关系中扮演的角色。费尔德曼的新书《你生活中的谎言：谎言如何欺骗了我们以及它影射出的我们自己》不客气地阐述了如今撒谎是一种多么普遍的现象。他接受了《时代周刊》的采访，谈到为什么我们都需要那么一点儿 "诚实".
您通过研究主要收获了哪些结论和发现呢？
我们不但撒谎的频率很高，而且撒谎的时候甚至都不假思索。人们平均每十分钟会撒谎三次。我实验研究的参与者们直到看了他们言语行为的录像才意识到自己竟然说了那么多谎。
您的调查研究显示，人们之所以能成功地撒了一个又一个谎而不被拆穿或被咎其责的一个主要原因，是我们实质上都是容易上当受骗的人。那么我们究竟为什么会相信那么多的谎言呢？
我认为这就是撒谎者的优势所在。我们并不是很擅长明辨别人欺骗性的言行。当我们尽力想要识别对方是否诚实时，我们经常注意的是他们"异常"的非语言行为，继而误读了它们所传达的意义。而问题在于，一个人的非言语行为表现和其诚实度之间是没有直接关联的。紧张、生气、分神或者悲伤的表现都可能被误读为是在"耍诡计".然而，即便是受过训练的问询者辨别出欺骗的几率也不是很高。你也许可以投硬币来决定一个人是不是在坦诚待你。
最要命的是，很多时候我们甚至不想去判别他人的谎言。我们并不愿意下多大功夫去追究那些言辞陈述的真实性，也无意在听到恰顺己意的话时质问说话人。经常我们会问别人"你怎么样？",他们回答"嗯挺好的",其实我们并不想知道他们到底有什么悲伤和痛处。所以我们就取字面上的意思，认为对方确实"挺好的".
您觉得"欺骗"是与我们社会尤为相关的一个话题么？
比起过去，我们现在生活的年代和文化环境更"方便"人们撒谎。社会普遍接受的一条信念是，人们可以撒谎--因为你不会为此负责或受惩罚。我在调查研究中发现的一个现象是，当你面对撒谎的人时，他们几乎不会表现出自责或懊悔。人们并不把撒谎当作一件应该大加谴责的事儿。
于是你就会有这样的假设：因为撒谎往往使得社会互动进行得更加顺利，所以撒谎也是可以的。但是即使善意的谎言也是会让我们付出代价的。如果人们总是跟你说你看上去漂亮极了，或者你刚刚的演讲展示非常棒，那么，你永远都不能对自己有一个真实准确的了解。谎言是人们言行的一个污点。如果人们撒小谎很容易的话，那么撒大谎也会变得越来越容易。
您在书中提到，最新的DNA证据显示，10%的人的父亲并不是他们认为的自己的生父。是不是谎言也已经渗透到了我们的每日生活当中了呢？
研究表明我们对自己比较亲近的人说谎少一些。然而一旦我们真的对他们说谎，我们说的可能是更严重的谎。而且如果被发现我们欺骗了他们，后果也将是更严重的。
您向我们表明了撒谎也算是一种社交技巧。那么这是否意味着它是人类进化发展过程中得以遗传的一部分呢？
我认为撒谎并不属于一种遗传编码，而是我们后天学来的。我们通过自己切实的欺骗行为"以身作则"地教会了我们的孩子如何撒谎。
您在书中提出了一个减少撒谎的方法。请问"AHA"具体是个什么样的方法？
"AHA"的全称是主动诚信评估。我们得能够意识到别人可能在对我们撒谎，并且需要要求他人的诚实。否则，我们得到的都是狭隘的不真实不全面的论断。同时，我们也要要求自己诚实。我们得做那种连善意的谎言都不说的人。不必非常残忍伤人或者完全直白，但传达的信息一定得是真实可信的。然而非常有意思的是，如果你是百分百诚实坦率的人，那么你不会是特别受欢迎的。诚实是最好的法则，但没办法是最完美的。
