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After a little tiff with her husband, a friend wrote recently about her dismay at seeing her seven-month-old baby's reaction. The little guy was actually 'watching us, his little head flitting from my face to (my husband's) face. It freaked me out,' my friend wrote.
In response to a recent post on resolving conflicts in a marriage, many of you shared thoughtful and sometimes opposing views on an important question: Is it OK to argue with your spouse in front of the kids? And if so, how?
As my friend's experience shows, children are kind of like little litmus strips, the canaries in the coal mine of marital stress: they absorb the emotional climate around them. Posting here, another mother was similarly alarmed when her three-year-old son, after seeing her and her husband have a minor disagreement, stomped angrily up to his father and chastised him for 'being mean to Mama.'
In thoughtful comments, some of you aired the 'little pitchers have big ears' view, that parents should avoid fighting in front of the kids. But other commenters said children 'need to see examples of healthy disagreements and resolution,' as one poster wrote. An adult child of divorce added: 'My parents almost never fought, and they were suddenly divorced. I personally think it's good for (children) to see glimpses of your struggles, so they understand that marriage really is for better or for worse.'
One marriage expert says parents' behavior should depend on the age of their kids, and also on a tougher criterion: how the couple argue. John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington and author of several books on marriage, recommends that babies never witness parents' fights; infants' blood pressure actually rises when they sense conflict and they may have a hard time calming down afterward, he writes in 'And Baby Makes Three.'
Between the ages of 4 and 8, he says, it's OK to have minor disagreements in front of the kids, but make sure to resolve it in front of them and either kiss and make up, or use words to explain to the children that you've worked out the problem. With older children, though, arguments raise two fears: that their parents will break up, and also that they're the cause of the dispute. They need reassurance that parents can work out their differences providing you can offer it honestly.
A new study underscores that it's how parents fight in front of the kids not whether they fight that matters most. Parents who disagree in constructive ways, by actively solving problems together and continuing to show affection for each other during disputes can actually aid their kids' development, says research on 235 families published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Children who witnessed these kinds of parental disputes also tended to be more emotionally secure and well-adjusted socially. In contrast, children whose parents showed aggression or hostility during arguments, or behaved in passive-aggressive ways, withdrawing or giving their partners the silent treatment, tended a year later to be measurably less secure and to show more social problems, as reflected by parent and teacher questionnaires.
Readers, how do you decide whether and when to air disputes with your spouse or partner in front of the kids? What effect do your conflicts have on your kids, and have you found other ways to help your children through them?
一位朋友不久前与丈夫发生口角，她注意到自己7个月大的孩子的反应，并写下了由此而产生的悔恨情绪。她写道，小家伙其实是在看着我们，他的小脑袋在我俩的面孔之间转来转去。这种情形让我极度不安。
在针对本栏目最近一篇有关解决婚姻中矛盾冲突的文章发表评论时，许多读者就一个重大问题贡献了富有创见的观点，有时读者的观点还会相左。这个问题就是：能在孩子面前跟另一半吵架吗？如果可以，那应该怎么做？
正如我那位朋友的经历所显示的那样，如果说婚姻像个煤矿，那孩子们就有点像预报瓦斯浓度的金丝雀：他们会吸收周围的情绪气氛。还有一位母亲也发贴讲述了与那位朋友相似的经历，她三岁的儿子看到她与丈夫起了点小争执，于是愤怒地朝爸爸跺脚，谴责他“对妈妈不好”。
在评论中，一些读者宣扬“人小耳朵灵”的观点，认为做父母的应该避免在孩子面前吵架。但也有一些人发表评论说，孩子们需要看到有益的争执和解决方式的例子。一位父母离异的成年读者说，我父母几乎从不吵架，结果他们突然一下子就离婚了。我个人认为，让孩子偶尔看到父母争吵也有好处，这样他们就能知道父母婚姻状况是好是坏。
一位婚姻专家说，父母的行为应当取决于孩子的年龄，也取决于一个更严格的标准：两口子吵架的方式是什么样的�；⒍俅笱睦硌淌诟咛芈�(John Gottman)建议说，绝对不能让婴儿看到父母争吵。高特曼出版过多本关于婚姻问题的著作，他在《孩子成就三口之家》(And Baby Makes Three)一书中写道，当幼儿感觉到父母发生矛盾时，他们的血压会升高，之后可能要费很大力气才能让他们平静下来。
高特曼说，孩子4－8岁期间，在他们面前起点小争执是没关系的，但一定要当着孩子们的面解决问题，要么亲吻一下对方以示和好，要么向孩子解释你们已经将问题解决掉了。不过，对于大一点的孩子，吵架会让他们产生两方面的担心：认为父母会分手，以及觉得自己是导致父母不和的原因。他们需要父母的保证，说他们能解决分歧，不过要真心实意地说出这话才行。
一项新的研究强调，最重要的是父母在孩子面前吵架的方式，而不是是否争吵。Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry杂志上发表了一项对235个家庭进行研究的结果：如果父母争执方式得当，比如说在争执过程中一起积极解决问题，并一直表现出对彼此的感情，这种情况事实上会有助于孩子的成长。目睹过父母以这种方式争吵的孩子往往情绪更稳定，在社交活动中也更容易适应。相比之下，对父母和老师进行的问卷调查显示，如果父母在争吵过程中表现出攻击性或敌意，或是有消极攻击的行为，比如说掉头而去或是对伴侣不理不睬，那么孩子在一年以后往往会出现显著的情绪不稳定迹象，在社交方面也会遇到更多问题。
读者们，在当着孩子们面争吵这个问题上，你们如何决定应不应该争吵以及争吵的时机？你们的矛盾对孩子有什么影响，你有没有找出别的办法帮助孩子渡过这样的时刻？
