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Romantic love is not for the weak of heart. It is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. It is here that we hopefully have our most emotionally and sexually intimate moments with another human being. It is here that our most painful emotional wounds eventually surface in order to be exorcised. And it is here that we most deeply get to know ourselves.
There are millions of books out there on different ways to attract your soul mate and how to make them not run for the hills once he/she gets there. I ve read them in my search for that elusive key to unlock the mysteries of romance, and I will tell you that manipulation and control never create a meaningful and lasting relationship, and they certainly will not bring you peace. So what does?
Well, I am still not so sure. Actually, this article is a compilation of my experience of what works and what doesn't work in the world of love, at least for me. Love is a tough nut to crack. There are always new mountains to climb and valleys to transverse. It s a never-ending learning process.
I do not believe that there is an exact recipe for success for romantic relationships that fits every human being, as we are all very different. But, I do believe that there are several key factors that help keep human beings centered when they are brave enough to enter into a relationship.
In no particular order, I present them to you below:
~Practice Self-Acceptance~
Nobody is perfect. As human beings we have many different pieces that make up the entire puzzle of who we are. It is imperative that we explore the different aspects of our personalities: the good, the bad, and the ugly, in order to come to understand and have compassion for ourselves, so we can fully experience real love.
Relationships are the great mirrors to our souls. Our "stuff" will always be reflected back to us through our intimate partners. Soul mates push buttons. If there are things about ourselves that we do not accept, we cannot expect our intimate partners to accept them either. It s spiritually impossible. There are so many rewards that come with self-acceptance, one of them being less emotional walls to scale in a relationship, which means there will be much more positive energy circulating within the partnership.
~Focus on Your Essence~
There is a lot of pressure in society today to look and be a certain way. Having the body of a Victoria Secret s model, a big paycheck, a high-class car, designer clothes, etc are not the things of which an authentic relationship are built. They might be attractive and enticing, but they have no long-term staying power if you want the real thing.
We fall in love with each other s essence. Your essence is an intangible item that is not of this world. It is very powerful and at it s core, always beautiful. It is your soul.
When you focus on your essence, you begin to realize that you don t have to be or look a certain way, or have the best toys, to be the most magnetic person in the room. When you focus on your essence you are less likely to forget who you are, as many of us do, when you begin to fall in love with someone. This keeps the dynamics of the relationship much more interesting and positive. You don't lose you.
~Think Open Hand/Open Heart~
In simple terms: do not try to control your partner or the outcome of the relationship. This is tough, as we all have a picture in our minds of the way we think things are "supposed" to be, and can get pretty nasty and insecure when they start looking differently.
Control is a major issue in many relationships. It is very scary to take your hands off the wheel when you have an emotional investment in a relationship, but it is imperative to do so. Trying to control your relationship will most likely elicit the exact opposite response of what you would like to happen in the first place. Intuitively we know this, yet we do it anyway. We just can t seem to help ourselves, but we must! I am speaking from experience. This is where my wounds surface with a vengeance.
When I find myself wallowing in this dark place now, I tell myself to think "open hand/open heart." This means no clutching, emotionally or physically.
I visualize the essence of the relationship as a room and in this room is a door and several windows. In an unhealthy relationship, the doors and the windows are closed tightly. No air is circulating, and eventually the people in the room (relationship) either emotionally die or break one of the windows to run for the hills in order to be free.
A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If the person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world, will not make them leave. Trust that truth.
~Have Other Passions Besides Him/Her~
Nothing will suck the life out of romance then having no other interests in this world other then your mate.
Get a hobby! Do the things you love to do. By nurturing yourself, you will have more to give your partner. Learn to play golf, play your favorite sport, write a book, take up tennis, go back to school, or read a new book. Just do something other then focusing on the relationship. In other words, get a life!
~Go for Friendship See his/her Soul~
Sexual chemistry is an amazing phenomenon as far as I am concerned. It is wonderful, fabulous, incredibly important, and all those sorts of things, but it will not sustain a relationship forever.
Love changes over time. The initial hot passion you might feel for a person at the beginning of a relationship will mellow out over time and be replaced by something much more magnificent.
Being true friends with your intimate partner enriches all facets of the relationship, including sex. When you look at your partner, try to see beyond the physical and peer into his/her soul. Connect with them on a soul level, and you will find that communication will flow more freely, and the trust level between you will increase. Most importantly you will build your relationship on the most solid foundation that exists in the universe today...friendship.
~Love Lives Inside Of You! Nothing Outside Yourself Will Bring You Happiness~
You and only you are responsible for your happiness. Many times we unconsciously seek a romantic relationship to fill the empty spaces in our lives and hearts. This never works. In fact, we end up setting ourselves up for major disappointment when we come from this empty place.
No one, no matter how wonderful they are, can meet all of our expectations at every moment of every day. It is impossible. So what are we to do?
Stop looking for love in all the wrong places! Love lives inside of you. If you rely on yourself to fill the empty spaces, you will take a lot of pressure off of your spouse, which in turn can only enhance the relationship.
Fill the empty spaces in your heart. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Comfort yourself. Be what you are seeking to find. Be whole on your own, and then share that wholeness with your partner.
~Live in the Moment~
Hold a vision for your relationship, but be flexible. When you are spending time with your partner spend time with your partner. Many times we allow our minds to be off in the distant uncertain future somewhere, wondering what is going to happen with the relationship six months, one year or five years from now, instead of enjoying the present moment. This frame of mind breeds insecurity, In the song All the Way, one of my favorite Frank Sinatra tunes, Frank sings, "who knows where the road may lead us, only a fool would say." Listen to Frank. Don't worry about where the road may lead, just be present for the trip.
We must have faith that the universe knows what it is doing. Let go and enjoy the journey, knowing that wherever you end up will be the perfect place.
~Walk Through Your Wounds When They Surface~
There is nothing like an intimate relationship to push your hot buttons. A true mate will bring your issues to the surface for sure. As uncomfortable as this is, it is actually a wonderful thing. If fact, if you are with someone, that doesn t make your insecurities rise to the surface from time to time, I d be concerned. It s not natural. People say that love should be easy, but let s face it, it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.
When these wounded moments arrive, as they surely will, try to see the situation as an opportunity to release the things that have held you back in the past. Name what you are feeling when your wounds surface. Fear of vulnerability, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment, come up for most of us at one time or another. This is part of being human and nothing that we should be avoiding. If we avoid processing the feelings, we will never get past them.
Once you know what the wound is, walk right through it. Walk through your fear of being close to someone. Just acknowledge it s presence and keep on moving forward. Don t shrink back from the uncomfortable emotions. Once you allow yourself to walk through the wounds, you will see that you are strong enough to endure them, and they will lose their power over you.
~Practice the Golden Rule~
How many times did we hear from our parents when we were growing up recite the Golden Rule? "Do unto others, as you would like to have done to you." Makes sense doesn t it? But yet we do not always practice it, particularly when it comes to our romantic partners.
Think about the other person. Think about their feelings, their history, their wounds, and their visions, besides your own. Do things in the spirit of love, forgiveness, and understanding.
~Get A Daily Dose Of Spirit~
In the past, I ve been most likely to throw my spiritual values out the window when I got romantically involved with someone. I wanted to do it my way, not God s way. His way after all, might mean the relationship wouldn t fit the mold of what I thought it should be.
I ve learned to do things differently recently. My spiritual life comes first. This key helps all the other key principles mentioned above work in sync together. Believing in a power that is bigger then yourself and believing that this universe is perfect, no matter how terrible it may look at times, will help make inner peace a regular part of your daily experience. Peace will prevail in life and relationships, instead of fear. Definitely something exciting to strive for. Conclusion:
Whew! Love sure is challenging. In fact, many of us may wonder if it is worth it at times, especially after most of us have experienced painful breakups and/or divorces at one time or another. It is difficult enough to navigate around our own emotions & experiences, none the less navigate around someone else's. But as the saying goes, "good things never come easy", and love is the best of all things.
Connections with other human beings, particularly our most intimate of relationships, is the true substance of life. In the end, it is what really matters. I don t' believe we are born into this world just to run scared from love, wear nice clothes, and pay our bills on time. There's just got to be more.
We are meant to experience the fullness of life, including romantic relationships, and we are born wired with the ability to do so. Believe in your ability to navigate the challenging terrains of romantic relationships. We all just need to find the courage to swim in the mystery of it all, to let go, and to love.
浪漫的爱情不是为脆弱心灵准备的，因为它能够让人同时体会到极大的兴奋和恐惧。浪漫的感觉很可能使我们同另一个人在情感和性上达到最亲密的结合，它也可能会使我们最大的痛苦最终浮上水面，以便我们将其驱散，并且它能够让我们更深刻的认识自己。
有成千上万的书教你怎样吸引情人以及怎样使他们不要移情别恋。为了解开浪漫爱情的秘密，我读了很多这样的书，我的体会就是靠操纵和控制维持的关系是没有意义的，也不会长久，并且绝对不会和睦。那么我们该怎么做呢？
其实我也还不确定。实际上这篇文章只是我的经验总结，关于在爱情世界里什么有用什么没用——至少对我来说。爱情是块难啃的骨头，我们在爱情里总会不断的遇到新状况，我们不断学习，却永远学不完。
我不想有哪个浪漫爱情的成功诀窍能够适合每个人，因为我们各不相同。但是，我确实相信有那么几个关键因素，在人们勇敢地开始一段感情后可以帮助人们受到对方的关注。
以下各条并没有先后之分：
〜练习自我肯定〜
没有人是完美的。同为人类我们却各不相同，这就使我们对自己是何许人感到困惑。我们必须探究一下我们性格中各个不同的方面，好的、坏的、丑恶的，以便我们去了解自己、宽容自己，这样有助于我们充分体验真正的爱情了。
对于我们的灵魂来说，感情是一面巨大的镜子。我们总能够通过去我们的亲密伴侣发现自己的“特质”。Soul mates push buttons.如果我们自己都无法接受自己的某些东西，那我们就不能指望我们的亲密伴侣接受它们，因为从感情上就说不通。自我肯定能够带来很多好处，其中之一就是在感情上会少些隔阂，这就意味着会给恋爱关系带来更多的良性循环。
〜关注自己的本质〜
在现今这个社会中要显得与众不同是很难的。维多利亚时代的身材、家财万贯、高档汽车、名牌服装，等等等等，这些都不是建立可靠关系的基础。虽然可能很有吸引力和诱惑力，但是如果你想要份真正的爱情，它们就远远不够了。
我们恋爱是因为我们爱上了对方的本质。所谓本质是一种不存在于这个世界的无形的东西。它具有强大的力量，并且其核心总是美丽的。它是你的灵魂。
一旦你开始关注自己的本质，你就会认识到，其实你不必显得与众不同、也不必精心打扮，甚至也不必成为屋子里最有吸引力的人。一旦你开始关注自己的本质，那么你在爱上某个人的时候，就不太可能像我们一样忘记自己是谁。这会使爱情变得更有趣更积极。你不会迷失自己。
〜考虑放手或者敞开心扉〜
简单来说：不要试图控制你的伴侣或关系的走向。这是棘手的问题，因为我们脑子里都某些事情都有一些“假定”的蓝图，一旦事情与它们不同，情况就会变得相当糟糕并且不再牢固。
控制欲是对很多关系来说都是个大问题。对一段关系投入感情时，你会很害怕放开手中的方向盘，但是却必须这样做。试图控制你们的关系往往会带来跟你希望的相反的结果。我们不仅要认识到这一点，而且无论如何要做到这一点。我们似乎总是忍不住，但是我们必须做到。这是我的经验之谈。我曾因此受过很重的伤。
当我发现自己陷入了这种状况时，我告诉自己去试着“放手或者敞开心扉”。这意味着无论是感情上还是生理上都不再紧抓不放。
我想象关系的本质就是一间屋子，这个屋子又一扇门和很多窗户。在不健康的关系中门和窗都是紧紧关闭的，没有空气循环，而关在屋子里的人要么死了不再爱要么打破窗户，重获自由，移情别恋。
而健康的关系则会保持门窗敞开，会有充足的空气流通，没有人会觉得自己被困在里面，关系能够在这种环境下成长。打开你的门窗。如果你的生命中注定有这个人存在，那么即使门窗敞开他也不会离去。相信吧，这是真理。
〜除了他/她还有其他爱好〜
没有什么会比除了伴侣就没其他兴趣爱好更容易使生活丧失浪漫的感觉。
培养一种爱好！做你爱做的事，在丰富自己的过程中可以给另一半带来更多的欣喜。比如学着打高尔夫，练习最喜欢的运动，写本书，学打乒乓球，回学校继续学习或者读本新书。只要不是只关注与你们的感情，随便做点什么就行�；痪浠八稻褪钦褡髌鹄�！
〜和爱人做朋友—看清他的灵魂〜
激情是一种令人惊讶的现象，至少对我而言是这样。它很美好，如同神话一般，并且异乎寻常的重要，和所有这些类似的事物一样，但是它却不能永远维持人们之间的关系。
爱情会随着时间而改变。在刚刚爱上一个人时所感觉到的火热的激情将会随着时间变得平和并被其他更美好的事情取代。
和爱人做朋友会使你们关系中的各个方面变得丰富，包括性�？此辈灰豢此硖迳系奶卣鞫刈⑺牧榛�。如果能够做到心灵相通，你就会发现沟通变得更加流畅，并且彼此间的信任感会增强。最重要的是，这样做就是将你们之间的关系建立在了现今这个世界中最牢固的基础上——友谊。
〜要用心爱对方！不是出自内心的不会让你感到幸福〜
你，也只有你要对自己的幸福负责。很多时候我们会不自觉地寻找一段浪漫的恋情来填补空虚的生活和心灵，但是这绝对没用。实际上，我们在填补这片空白的同时会产生更大的失望。
没有人，不管他们多么美妙，能够满足我们每时每刻的期望。这是不可能的事情。那么，我们该怎么办呢？
不要在错误的地方寻找爱情！如果你能够依靠自己排遣无聊的生活，那么你的配偶身上的压力会少很多，而这样对你们的关系只能起到加强的作用。
填补心灵的空白，爱自己，接受自己，安慰自己，成为你想成为的人，保持自己的完整，然后与你的伴侣分享这种完整性。
〜享受当前的生活〜
对你们之间的关系有所设想，但是要灵活。当你和伴侣在一起时就要关注他。很多时候我们会对未来胡思乱想，想着这段感情在半年后会怎么样，一年后会怎么样，五年后又会怎么样，而不是享受当前的生活。这种心情会让我们心神不定，在我最喜欢的法兰克·辛纳屈的歌里有一首叫《All the Way》，他在里面唱道“谁知道这条路会将我们带往何处，只有傻子才说知道”。相信这句话吧，不要担心这条路会将我们带往何方，只要准备好旅费就好了。
我们要相信一切都在向好的方向发展。享受我们的旅程吧，无论在哪里停下，对我们来说都是理想的场所。
〜伤痛浮现时，正视它们的存在〜
除非关系亲密，否则没有人会去碰触你的敏感问题。毫无疑问真正的伴侣会和你讨论这些问题。虽然这让人感觉很不舒服，但实际上却是一件好事。实际上，如果你和某人相处，却没有随着时间的推移将你心底的不安说出来，就会让人担心了，因为这不自然。很多人说相爱是件容易的事情，但是事实却是不管怎么想它都不是件容易的事情。
受伤时—肯定会有这种情况发生—要试着把这当作一次机会，将过去所有困扰你的事情说出来。伤痛浮现时，说出你的感觉，比如害怕脆弱，害怕亲密，害怕拒绝，害怕被遗弃，这些情绪对我们大多数人来说总是时有发生。这是我们作为人类的一部分特质，没必要逃避。逃避会使它们永远缠着我们。
一旦你知道伤在何处，就要正视它们。不要再害怕跟某个人分享，只要承认它的存在并勇敢的向前就行了，不要因为感觉不舒服就退缩不前。一旦你让自己正视了这些问题，就会发现自己有足够的力量承受它们，就不会再受其所苦。
〜执行这一金科玉律〜
在我们长大过程中多少次听到父母背诵这一金科玉律——“己所不欲，勿施于人”？这句话很有道理不是吗？但是在实际生活中我们却并不总是在按照这条原则办事，特别是跟我们的爱人有关的事情上。
为别人想想，想想他们的感情，他们的过去，他们的伤痛，他们的梦想，不要总想着自己。凭着爱、宽容与理解的原则做事。
〜每天补充精神食粮〜
过去，一旦跟某个人谈恋爱，我就会把自己的精神价值抛之脑后。我有我自己做事的方式，不需要听从上帝的。毕竟，他的方式也许会意味着这段感情并不符合我想象的模式。
但是最近我学会了按照不同的方式处理问题：精神生命第一。这个秘诀可以协助上面提到的所有秘诀同步发挥作用。相信在你之外有更强大力量，并且不管这个世界偶尔看上去是多么的糟糕都要相信它是完美的，这有助于你将内心的平和作为日常经历一部分。平和而不是恐惧会在生活和人际关系中取胜。一定要去争取那些能让你高兴的东西。总之：
噢！爱情肯定是具有挑战性的。实际上我们很多人有时候都会想它到底值不值得，特别是当我们经历了某次分手或者离婚后。要驾驭我们的感情和经验相当困难，要驾驭别人的就更不用提了。但是俗话说“好事多磨”，而爱情就是最美好的事物。
与其他人相处，特别是最亲密的人，是生活的真正本质。最后，这也是最重要的。我不相信我们出生只是为了对爱情战战兢兢、穿漂亮衣服或者及时还账单。我们活着有更多的目标。
我们的目的是要充分的体验生活，包括爱情，我们生来就有这种能力。要相信自己能够驾驭充满挑战的爱情。只要我们有勇气，就能够探索爱情的奥秘，能够轻轻松松，能够真的去爱。
